Where the hell is rock bottom already?

I can't go on like this much longer.  My life is shit.  Absolute shit.  And he's meeting new "friends" on Craigslist and going out for thai food with them.  (I have been trying to get him to try thai food for over a year.)  I get home from work and the gym and completely fall into a pit of depression and sloth.  I haven't even been able to do my laundry.  My friends are sick of me complaining.  

Why the fuck can he do all this and still be okay if I can't?  

Why the fuck did he have to string me along with all this, "I still want to spend the rest of my life with you" bullshit?

I need to start making a list of the reasons I don't want to be with him because I think it might really be time to cut the cord.

He keeps telling me I need to see a therapist.  I think he's an asshole for saying it.  But maybe I should.  But I need to make sure I'm doing it for me and not him.  Because he's an asshole and I am SO SICK of not being able to live my life because of him!  

I just don't know how to move forward.  I just don't know.  I just don't know.

Damn you weather!

I'm in Florida, but it's too cold to lay out in the sun at the beach.  

Today the relatives I'm staying with are all going to work, and so I will be left alone to amuse myself, without a car.  (Which is fine because frankly, I'm too scared to drive their fancy cars.)  I really wanted to go to the beach today... but unless I'm going just to walk around in a sweatshirt, it's not going to happen.  I do have a little puppy playmate to take with me.  Maybe I'll just walk her around town.

So far the trip has been pretty good.  My aunt took me shopping a couple times, and retail therapy is always good.  I actually felt pretty good in the stores too - looks like the working out thing has paid off a little.  On the other hand I've decided I don't really like my new haircut, so now it annoys me.

The boy has called me both nights I've been here, but both times while he was driving home.  I guess that shouldn't take away from the fact that he called me, but I dunno.  The first night was really great, the second I was left unsatisfied.  But maybe that's my own shit.  Maybe that's cuz I saw "He's Just Not That Into You," which I thought was really good, but it left me craving romance, and last night the conversation was pretty platonic.  Still, he called.

I am still so confused about him.  I love him.  And I know he loves me.  But sometimes I wonder if he really knows me.  I don't know.  I still know he's not quite there yet... not quite enough.  Not quite generous enough, still a little too self-centered... still... a kid.  But I don't want it to be over.  I don't want to move on.  I want the romance, I want the excitement, I want his body.......

He is aware that he needs to change, I think.  After an emotional meeting at our favorite bar, we ended up in my car with me sobbing in the parking lot.  He told me he knows he's not the man I need him to be, but he wants to be that man.  And when he is ready to be that man, he said he would come find me, because he still wants to spend the rest of his life with me.  We ended up cuddling and making out in the backseat, and then the next day (Valentine's day) he came over and gave me a card.  And we had sex.

I'm just so wrapped up in it.  Even running away to Florida didn't help much.

In other news, I have to take an exam in 2-3 weeks.  It's the teacher certification exam to teach high school history.  I am not completely sure I want to be a teacher... but it would give me the option.  But with all the shit that's gone on in the past few months, I have barely cracked a book to study.  And my history knowledge is not that great.  Really, I just paid over 100 bucks to register for this test I have almost no chance of passing.  Fuck me.  I brought a textbook all the way here to study, but who am I kidding.  It sucks.

I should really just shower and get on with it.  Go to a cafe with the puppy and read.  Or something.

Depressed? Or just in need of a vacation?

I think I might be depressed.  Honestly, it's hard to tell since "depression" has become a slippery term.  Am I depressed?  Situationally depressed?  Does making that distinction even matter?  And what's the point of even figuring out if I'm "depressed."  Does that change anything?

Things have sucked lately.  

I buried my dog, who has been in my life for 17 years.  And when I say "buried," I mean that literally.  I carried a dead 75 lb yellow lab about 200 feet and put her limp body in a dirty hole in the frozen ground.  I guess I took the "immersion" approach to my first up-close death experience.

Then I ended up in a big, screaming fight with my boyfriend, the love of my life, and during that fight, he went too far and I broke up with him.  I was a shell of a person for weeks.  I stopped eating.

Then, on New Years, we talked about reconciling.  It was decided that we would try again, but that was difficult.  There was too much pain, too much hurt, too many landmines to avoid.  

Then, my grandmother died.  During all of this time, she had been incredibly ill and in a nursing home.  I was visiting her fairly often, but infrequently enough that I still feel guilty.  She had been through a few invasive surgeries, and she just was not recovering.  She deteriorated, and her mind deteriorated, and my amazing witty grandma was just melting into a halucinating, delusional vegetable.  So... that was fun.  Then she died, and it was funerals and planning and organzing and family EVERYWHERE and plenty of stress and breakdowns and it was all just incredibly overwhelming.  

The boyfriend and I got into a fight at her funeral and broke up for the second time.  

Around this time, I started getting headaches again.  I was getting alot of headaches and migraines last year, but then I got new glasses and that seemed to help.  I really thought the problem was licked until now.  Now I am getting headaches almost every day again.  

Then things got difficult at work.  I work at a high school for "troubled" kids.  Five new kids entered the program, and when there were only 20 kids to begin with, 5 can really change the dynamic.  And changed it has.  These new kids have completely undermined any grip on these kids we had, and I have completely no control over the class I teach twice a week.  If I didn't have a headache before I teach that class, I certainly do after.

Then I somehow fell back into bed with my now-ex.  It was strange, but magical.  We spent a whole week acting as though we were still together, in complete denial.  I was ECSTATIC.  Then I asked him about Valentine's Day, and he told me he couldn't live in denial.  I was crushed, and we might as well have broken up a third time, because that's how it feels.

The headaches are getting worse.  I haven't been able to make it through a good workout at the gym all week - I get so down and lethargic that I give up and go home.  I haven't been sad about the boy lately, more like bitter.  Or defeated.  Depressed.

I have next week off.  I'm going south, to be someplace warm where there is actually sunshine.  I'm really hoping this cheers me up a little bit.  But I don't know.  I don't even know.  I'll be alone for most of the trip.  I'm staying with a relative who will be working most of the time.  But I figured I could either be alone for a week here, or be alone in Florida.  I don't know.  I hate this.

Headache

He called me at 2 am last night.  He knows I go to bed early on worknights.  He hung up after one ring.  But I had already been jarred awake, and couldn't very well sleep knowing he had just called me.  (We hadn't spoken since our big, final, fight the night before.)  I called him back.  He apologized profusely for waking me up.  "It can wait, go back to sleep."  "Just- what is it?"

He had noticed that I had un-friended him on Facebook.  Was I mad at him?  He wanted to know.  Was I cutting him out of my life for good?

No, no.  Of course not.

I still love him.  As much as I ever have.  But if we really, truly, can't be together, then I know what's coming.  The lonely nights spent clicking through his Facebook photos and crying.... it's too much.  Reading a status update that makes it sound like he's out having fun?  It's too hard.  Nevermind the random wall posts from girls I don't know...  It's just too hard to break up with someone and still be friends with them on Facebook.

He understood.  Last time we "broke up" he begged me to un-friend him.  (I guess he didn't have the courage to do it himself.)  It sucks.

I know it is ridiculous.  I dumped him for god sake!  He wasn't giving me enough, I needed more.  But I never wanted us to be apart.  I still don't want to be apart.

I woke up with an awful headache today, and I've had it all day long.  When does it stop hurting?

Introductions

Hello, I'm the Idea Girl, and I need an outlet.

Sure I've blogged before.  I've had many blogs.  Only one has ever satisfied me, and that was a "secret" anonymous blog where I wrote about my sex life.  I think that blog was successful partly because of the salacious subject matter, but also because I had the freedom that comes with anonymity - the freedom to write about any topic, as well as the freedom to "just write" and not worry so much about what my posts will do to my "public reputation."

This is another attempt to create an anonymous blog where I can "just write."  It is NOT going to be a sex blog, but thanks to anonymity, I can (and will) write about sex if I want to.  Be warned: I WILL NOT be posting nude photos, or writing anything intended to get you off.

There is this meme going around Facebook where you write 25 random things about yourself.  I figured this would be a good way for you to get to know me.

1. I am in my early 20's.
2. In December, my dog died.  She was 17 years old, and has been there for most of my life.
3. Right after my dog died, I broke up with the love of my life.
4. In January, my grandma, who I was very close to, died.
5. Right after my grandma died, I broke up with the love of my life, again.  (We had sortof gotten back together before that.)
6. I found out that I got HPV from the love of my life.  I am now one of 80% of women who contract HPV, and it sucks to suddenly become part of that stigmatized group: people with STDs.
7. I got back together with the love of my life, and broke up with him again.
8. Needless to say, the past couple months have been miserable.  This is the reason why I needed this outlet and started this blog.   Now - on to more ordinary things.
9. I work in a high school with some messed up teenagers, and I like it.
10. I really, really miss college.  I am applying to grad school, we'll see what happens.
11. I am very progressive when it comes to sex and sexuality.  Sex is one of my favorite topics and I enjoy talking openly about it.  
12. I am trying to get in shape (maybe even lose weight) and I'm really trying to work out 5 days a week.
13. I really like books.  I used to be a big reader, but lately I haven't been.  I have a lot of books.
14. I had to move back in with my parents this year.  Sigh.  I am excited about moving out soon.
15. I used to be a cynic when it came to love.  Even though this one seems to have failed, I think I'm a believer now.  And I am terrified that I won't find love like this again.
16. I tend to get tense and anxious when I'm stressed.  I take it out on my fingernails.
17. I wish I was a better cook.  
18. I love puppies.
19. I love my bed.  
20. I love watching movies.
21. I wear glasses and they're sexy.
22. I just got sideswept "indie" bangs.  It's my first time having bangs since I was 4.
23. Most of my friends live about 2 hours away.  I miss them, and I wish I could see them more.
24. I am obsessed with the goodness of Campbell's Old Fashioned Tomato Rice soup.
25. I really like traveling.  I have been to four continents.  Unfortunately, I haven't explored enough of the US.  I need to focus my next travels on exploring the South and the West.

Phew, I made it to 25.  That was harder than I expected.  Anyway, welcome to my brainstorm.