Poison

I deleted him from my buddy list.

I had another breakdown today.  He was online.  I don't have anyone else to talk to about this shit.  I'm too embarrassed to talk to anyone else.  Also, no one else is that invested in me to really care. 

It started out ok, but then his "help" started to feel hostile, and before I knew it, he was telling me how I treat him like shit.  Saying that I was using him because I said I didn't want to be friends, and then turned to him for help when I needed it.  He says he gets nothing from me, nothing, nothing, nothing.  He only gives.  Gives, gives, gives.

IT'S NOT GIVING YOU ASSHOLE.

It's not GIVING when you berate the person who needs you.  It's not GIVING when you make them feel guilty for taking up your time, or making you drive an extra few miles out of your way.  It's not GIVING when you start a fight at their grandmother's funeral because you're hungry but too picky to eat any of the goddamned food lying around!

Since we stopped having sex, each conversation we have had has gotten progressively more poisonous.  His "giving" has gotten more and more painful.

But it has made me realize something.  He has NEVER been able to give, in any way.  What has he ever given?  All I can think of is the locket.  A going away present to remember him by- before we decided to stay together despite being very long-distance for a year.

He has also never said "I'm sorry."  Never freely of his own will.  Every time I talk to him I say I'm sorry.  For everything, anything, there's always something he thinks I should be sorry for.

My friend put it into my head last week that perhaps this relationship was abusive.  I had never thought of it that way.  Ever.  Up until RIGHT NOW I have always thought the world of him, and never let anyone say a word against him.  Not when he blew me off the day my dog died, not when he picked a fight at my grandma's funeral, not when he opened a fake email account and posed as someone else to get the password to my private blog and then sabotaged me with my own material.  (And didn't apologize.)

Even if he used to make me happy (which I still think (hope) he did...) there is only poison left in him now.

I deleted him from my buddy list.  A big step.

But who will give a shit about me now?

The fight

He called, just to say hi, because we're friends, and he just wanted to say hi.

We ran out of "hi, how's it goin" conversation soon enough, and not wanting to hang up but not knowing what else to talk about, I made the conversation serious.  I started to tell him a little about the therapy session, and that she had even suggested I bring him in to talk one day.  He said he'd go.  Then as it got more personal, it started to go sour, as our interactions always do now.

He is upset because he thinks I want him to be miserable.  I don't want him to be miserable, but it does hurt to hear that he's happy and doing well.  There is a distinction there, but I'm not sure he can detect it.  "The difference between me and you is that I want you to be happy," he said.  I tried to explain, but he hung up on me.

I tried to text that I was sorry.  I'm sorry I can't be the kind of friend you want me to be yet.  I'm not ready.  He replied something devastatingly immature (the kind of response I have been trying to put out of my mind for a long time): "Well, you are doing a good job of making me want to keep my distance."  A threat.  Why does he lash out with silly, strange, and empty threats when he's upset?  Another thing that always upset me.  I told him that "A little distance is ok.  Most people aren't able to be friends right away."

I really hurt him.  I can read him so well at this point, that I know how bad he's feeling even though he has basically stopped talking to me.  The body-language of non-communication.  He never answered that last text.  The next day, I instant messaged him to ask if he was ok.  "I'm fine."  "I'm fine," translates to "I am angry and ready to start a fight," so I never responded. 

I know this is what I needed.  I needed some space and distance to get my head back on right.  But I hate that it had to happen this way.  I hate that I can't be his friend.  I hate that I had to shoot him down, especially when he had that cute puppy dog enthusiasm for our new friendship.  I hate that I feel like I'm breaking my promise... I promised I would never cut him out of my life.  And I meant it, and I still mean it.  Can we have distance without having to cut each other out?  Can he understand that asking for distance is not the same as cutting him out?

I think in this case it was him who was in denial, and whatever little rug he was standing on just got pulled out from under him.  I know how that feels, and I feel for him.  I miss him and I wish I could hold him and make it better.  I wish he could hold me and make it better.  

I also wish that all these flaws and signs of immaturity weren't so fucking apparent now.  Why can't he just be the man he could be?  

Everyday I open the door just an inch more to the idea that he wasn't right for me.  But it's a really goddamned slow process.  I am not willing to let the light in too quickly.  I am no where near ready to step through that door.