There have been periods in my life in which I have really liked myself. Now is not one of them.
It is remarkable how the same trait can seem like a positive thing or a negative thing just based on your mood. Lately, all of my traits seem negative. It is hard to find anything that I like about myself, my personality, my skills, my talents, right now. I can only pinpoint the things which I am not happy about.
I wish I had more hobbies. Ones that involved getting together with other people in order to do them.
I wish I wasn't so emotionally unstable. I wish I was more fun to hang around with.
I wish I had more things about me that are uniquely "me."
I wish I was more of a go-getter. I wish I had more drive. (I wish I had more money, but I choose to watch tv rather than get a second job.)
I wish I stood out in a group. I'm not the prettiest, I'm not the funniest, I'm not the wackiest, I'm not the loudest, I'm not anything.
I guess this bout of depression is about more than just the ex. Although the hobby thing was something he pointed out about me. I don't know. Alot of his observations about me really upset me.
He pointed out that I don't have any hobbies.
He called me a "goodie goodie," "nice girl," "good girl." As much as I've always thought of myself as having some sort of edge (and wanting to have some sort of edge) I apparently am not edgy. I'm just a nice girl that does what her parents want her to do.
He pointed out my emotional neediness. According to him I am more needy than other girls.
He didn't see me as artistic or creative. (Something I thought I was.)
He didn't see me as passionate about social causes like gay rights or sex education. (Something I thought I was.)
He saw me as conservative when I saw myself as liberal. (He saw me as conservative because I don't smoke pot or approve of people smoking pot. And because I support Israel and want to marry Jewish.)
He would always tell me I was special. I asked him to tell me what made me special. And I know I was fishing, but I was curious because I really wasn't sure what exactly he thought was special about me. All he ever said was that I was sexy and smart. He was never able to come up with anything else. I chalked it up to the fact that he isn't always so verbal... but I still wonder if he even really knew me. Or, what exactly did he know me as? Because I don't think it was the same thing that I knew me as.
I didn't like what I saw when I saw myself reflected in his eyes. And that confuses me and scares me and I don't like to think about it. I really thought this love was REAL and TRUE and SPECIAL. But how could it have been those things if he didn't really "get" me. Or maybe he did, and I just have a warped perception of who I really am. But if that's true, I really suck.
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