Better

Wow, this is so much better.  

It's still not great - I'm not back to "normal" - but it's better.

I think it was the combination of taking him off my buddy list (and not talking to him for a whole week) and going to see my friends in the city last weekend.  We had a reunion weekend of sorts, and it was just spectacular and magical to be surrounded by people who know me and love me - where I don't have to constantly apologize for myself or prove myself to anybody.  It was a great weekend.  I had so much fun.

I also tried pot for the first time.  This is kindof a big deal, since I'm the only person I know that has held out this long before even trying it.  The reasons why I didn't smoke are complicated, and have a lot to do with what happened to a couple of my high school friends when they started smoking.  Then they got more complicated when I started dating him because he is a total pothead, and pot became one of the biggest "problems" in our relationship because I didn't approve of him smoking himself stupid every night and being content to live in his parents' house and work a menial job.  Because of that perpetual argument, I really couldn't try pot because it would have made me a hypocrite.  I'm not sure if I decided to smoke just to spite him, but it definitely felt good to do it in spite of him.  I've been feeling a little "out of the loop" about it for a while - like everyone else has this shared experience that I can't relate to.  But because of him, in order to hold my ground in the perpetual argument (because everything was an argument) I couldn't explore it.  Anyway, I'll probably have to smoke again because I was drunk at the time and if I did get high, I just felt drunk.

Anyway... the really good feelings from that weekend carried over once I got back home.  I mean, it wasn't all gumdrops and rainbows.  My dad let slip that he saw my ex out "on a date" at a restaurant that weekend.  I don't think it was a "date" because all of his friends that he goes out to eat with are girls.  But whatever.  That threw me off for a couple days.  Also, I saw that he changed his facebook picture to a new one, and when I saw it my heart sped up again.  I hate how strongly my body reacts to any new images or news about him.  It's like I'm about to have a panic attack.  Heart and breathing speeds up, and I suddenly feel queasy and terrified.  Everytime.

So, things are a little better.  I am not miserable 24 hours a day.  But I still feel very unstable - like the slightest thing could push me right back into how I was.  It's not a comfortable place to be, but it's better.

I am very angry though.  I am so angry that it had to come to this.  That it had to come to not being able to talk to him AT ALL in order to just maintain a minimum level of sanity.  That is not fair.  How the fuck did we screw it all up so badly?  I HATE that the greatest romance of my life has now been tarished and cheapened with this shitty ending.