Friday, March 13, 2009

Poison

I deleted him from my buddy list.

I had another breakdown today.  He was online.  I don't have anyone else to talk to about this shit.  I'm too embarrassed to talk to anyone else.  Also, no one else is that invested in me to really care. 

It started out ok, but then his "help" started to feel hostile, and before I knew it, he was telling me how I treat him like shit.  Saying that I was using him because I said I didn't want to be friends, and then turned to him for help when I needed it.  He says he gets nothing from me, nothing, nothing, nothing.  He only gives.  Gives, gives, gives.

IT'S NOT GIVING YOU ASSHOLE.

It's not GIVING when you berate the person who needs you.  It's not GIVING when you make them feel guilty for taking up your time, or making you drive an extra few miles out of your way.  It's not GIVING when you start a fight at their grandmother's funeral because you're hungry but too picky to eat any of the goddamned food lying around!

Since we stopped having sex, each conversation we have had has gotten progressively more poisonous.  His "giving" has gotten more and more painful.

But it has made me realize something.  He has NEVER been able to give, in any way.  What has he ever given?  All I can think of is the locket.  A going away present to remember him by- before we decided to stay together despite being very long-distance for a year.

He has also never said "I'm sorry."  Never freely of his own will.  Every time I talk to him I say I'm sorry.  For everything, anything, there's always something he thinks I should be sorry for.

My friend put it into my head last week that perhaps this relationship was abusive.  I had never thought of it that way.  Ever.  Up until RIGHT NOW I have always thought the world of him, and never let anyone say a word against him.  Not when he blew me off the day my dog died, not when he picked a fight at my grandma's funeral, not when he opened a fake email account and posed as someone else to get the password to my private blog and then sabotaged me with my own material.  (And didn't apologize.)

Even if he used to make me happy (which I still think (hope) he did...) there is only poison left in him now.

I deleted him from my buddy list.  A big step.

But who will give a shit about me now?

2 comments:

  1. Oh Idea Girl, I know that feeling. Right now I feel totally isolated from everyone, friends, family, everyone. Its like there is no one who understands. But you just described perfectly what I am feeling, except for the "stood up by the therapist"

    I would call your therapist and see if he can move you up in the week. Tell him you are in crisis. If that doesn't work, call the crisis hot-line. And failing that, go to the ER. I've done it. But talk to someone.

    Don't quit on yourself.

    And you did a good thing, if his "help" is to berate you, then you don't need that kind of help.

    Keep writing here, I'll keep reading.

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