There have been periods in my life in which I have really liked myself. Now is not one of them.
It is remarkable how the same trait can seem like a positive thing or a negative thing just based on your mood. Lately, all of my traits seem negative. It is hard to find anything that I like about myself, my personality, my skills, my talents, right now. I can only pinpoint the things which I am not happy about.
I wish I had more hobbies. Ones that involved getting together with other people in order to do them.
I wish I wasn't so emotionally unstable. I wish I was more fun to hang around with.
I wish I had more things about me that are uniquely "me."
I wish I was more of a go-getter. I wish I had more drive. (I wish I had more money, but I choose to watch tv rather than get a second job.)
I wish I stood out in a group. I'm not the prettiest, I'm not the funniest, I'm not the wackiest, I'm not the loudest, I'm not anything.
I guess this bout of depression is about more than just the ex. Although the hobby thing was something he pointed out about me. I don't know. Alot of his observations about me really upset me.
He pointed out that I don't have any hobbies.
He called me a "goodie goodie," "nice girl," "good girl." As much as I've always thought of myself as having some sort of edge (and wanting to have some sort of edge) I apparently am not edgy. I'm just a nice girl that does what her parents want her to do.
He pointed out my emotional neediness. According to him I am more needy than other girls.
He didn't see me as artistic or creative. (Something I thought I was.)
He didn't see me as passionate about social causes like gay rights or sex education. (Something I thought I was.)
He saw me as conservative when I saw myself as liberal. (He saw me as conservative because I don't smoke pot or approve of people smoking pot. And because I support Israel and want to marry Jewish.)
He would always tell me I was special. I asked him to tell me what made me special. And I know I was fishing, but I was curious because I really wasn't sure what exactly he thought was special about me. All he ever said was that I was sexy and smart. He was never able to come up with anything else. I chalked it up to the fact that he isn't always so verbal... but I still wonder if he even really knew me. Or, what exactly did he know me as? Because I don't think it was the same thing that I knew me as.
I didn't like what I saw when I saw myself reflected in his eyes. And that confuses me and scares me and I don't like to think about it. I really thought this love was REAL and TRUE and SPECIAL. But how could it have been those things if he didn't really "get" me. Or maybe he did, and I just have a warped perception of who I really am. But if that's true, I really suck.
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In all honesty, it sounds like he didn't understand or know you at all. I only know you from your blog, but I consider you edgy, definitely liberal and you're a great writer, with a creative way with words.
ReplyDeleteAs for the depression - oh, boy! Everything I read your blog it speaks to me. I think I know how you feel at the moment. I'm in a similar funk and the 'problem' isn't anything or anybody else. It's just me. I don't like myself at the moment and am ashamed of some recent things that have occurred.
I don't know about a hobby. I think a change is what's called for. It's impossible to get out of a rut without some motivation.
Anyway, as always - stay strong. The more I read about this, the more it seems obvious that Boy was incredibly childish and not right for you. You deserve better.
Liking one's self is always a yes and no type questions. Sometimes you do, and sometimes you don't. Right now it sounds like you don't, but you are getting help from Boy. He is putting you in a position to not like yourself.
ReplyDeleteI had an ex do that to me. Try to get me to not like myself so that I would change to become what she wanted so that I would like myself. Not with her any more.
You are in fact creative and you write well. Just because he doesn't think so doesn't mean the rest of the voters don't count. We read your blog, so clearly you have something to say which strikes a chord with us, and you communicate it to us in a way that we can appreciate.
And being liberal vs. Liberal is not something he gets to decide for you. You can support Israel and want to marry Jewish and still be liberal. Only Liberals want group think, true liberals are open to any reasonably moral, well argued position.
If marrying Jewish is important to you, it doesn't make you liberal or conservative. It makes you interested in marrying Jewish.
Sexy and smart are great qualities, don't sell them short. But at the same time I agree its a problem that he couldn't articulate the WHY he thought so. I am sorry to say that it seems to me he had no way to explain WHY because he thought saying "smart and sexy" was enough. Oddly I am feeling like the Merovingian from the Matrix talking about "Why", but I digress.
All the women I have dated were "smart and sexy" I don't date dumb and unattractive. But I can explain why I thought each one was smart and sexy, and how each of them were smart and sexy in different ways from each other.
Stay strong, keep seeing your doctor, and keep writing. We'll keep reading.
Interesting blog, great reading, I'll be back.
ReplyDeleteAV
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